That day I still remember,
As vividly it appears, more than anything ever.
Sitting on the couch in my parent’s room,
That ‘Acting’ is my dream I wish to pursue.
“Not Possible, “Not your cup of tea”, I got to hear,
Felt shattered witnessing the disappointment I couldn’t bear.
For hours I cried, and then decided,
That I would leave this dream of mine,
As else, failure would be the next thing I would find.
How beautiful the journey was,
From entertaining myself with films,
To the dream of creating them.
Academics, expectations, nothing remained precious enough,
It seemed as if I lived in a different world.
Practising dialogues, following actors,
Not performing, but living the characters,
Visualising myself as the protagonist,
I felt as if I was a part of every film.
Listening to legends and their praises,
Award shows were my favourite.
I want them too! Wished my heart,
I would get them home, promised my will.
With all this in my mind, I broke my oath,
Everything turned beyond control.
I decided to fight, to chase,
Even if I find no happiness at the end.
So, I left for the city of my dreams,
With nothing but a bag full of clothes,
And pockets filled with a few pennies.
Years of struggle and a lot of diligence,
Led me through my invaluable destination.
It was a rollercoaster ride,
With extremes of successes and failures in hand.
A journey filled with the heights of stardom,
Witnessed the dark side of exploitation and regrets.
But a determined mind and a pure soul had its own power,
I bought every gem but never staked my respect.
But after all this, I still wished,
To learn the art to its best.
And one fine day the golden moment came,
To bring home what I always wanted to,
That Award- was not just a prize,
But was my dream since eternity.
“The Entertainer of the Year Award goes to…” was announced,
And it was me who won the award.
I went on stage with a different energy,
Receiving the same applause which I once watched on my TV.
I put forth the speech which I inscribed in my heart years back,
And practised numerous times with nobody nearby.
But as I looked towards the audience,
I found a man under the spotlight, Clapping vigorously.
It was me, dressed up as one of my characters in a film,
It was me who was for a shorter span a different person for a film.
He said,” This is just the beginning!”
It left me numb, and couldn’t speak.
Sweating with fright,
I walked back to my seat.
But the chain continued,
The difference between me and myself began to diminish,
I could see my romantic self, aggressive self,
the goon side and the autistic side, in front of me,
I couldn’t differentiate anymore between the character and the real me.
Acting was never just a profession to me,
But it never dominated my personal side,
Things were now taking a toll,
As I couldn’t go back to the older times.
I lost myself, somewhere,
I felt dead.
Felt as if I was being killed by the roles,
I once portrayed.
Who am I? a calmer, a shrewd,
A romantic or a prude?
With money, fame and glamour in hand,
I could do nothing to find my truth.
When my wife died,
I couldn’t recognize,
That whether it was me actually weeping,
Or just an act of mine.
Emotions just remained a tool to me now,
To express in front of the celluloid,
But did nothing to fill this void.
You be an actor or not, but always remember,
That life is not a film,
Which would always end on a positive note.
There are things, which give you much, but in turn, take you away,
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