Anjani Haripriya Vishnubhatla
cannot be magical
the world cannot always be
flowers & fragrance.
You taught with growing time
not to love my favourite beaches,
not to find comfort in my home
to hell, not to love my body
because it wasn’t the way it was
since you left it bruised.
to my favourite beach
I went with you,
the first date ever,
I was in love
I was in love with the whole idea of being in love with you
I pictured a perfect fit on my heart
with ends of infinities
matching our souls.
My heart sank like I would
in the ocean right in front of us
and then you touched me
It was ecstatic
the vibrations my body felt
can not be inked
into pretty words
because the feeling was filling in itself.
You touched my hand,
run your tips on my arms,
and we kissed.
don’t go so fast, I’m not liking it.
you’re hurting me!
You made a bed
out of the sand beneath us
& let the Moon
witness the horror
of my first date.
you convinced me that what we had was meant to be,
and what I had was the best you gave.
I was convinced,
because I was in love with you
I was in love with the idea of being in love with you.
In the cinema
corner seats & a sleeveless top
topless moves &
your fingers were not meant to be there.
first time I was touched there.
why would you do such a thing to me?
All I wanted was a kiss. Just, a kiss.
That day you said I was my own kind of pretty.
The kind to be eaten in bed,
the kind to kiss in the kitchen &
to paint in red
tongue that is hell on my neck
flesh to be drawn out
every part fingered
Why did you damage so much of me?
My bedsheets remind me
that I was hurt on them,
when all they should remind me
how peacefully i slept last night on them,
but jokes on me,
I did not sleep peacefully eversince.
Third date. Never happened.
every meeting was
a walk-in sex program you seemed to enjoy a lot
You say I look so much like the girl you saw in your dreams,
the one to kill your pain of the past,
the one to heal your scars.
what about the scars you gave me?
what about my past that you worsened?
I am shut down every night
by the thought of being under you.
I hate the Moon for seeing
me naked on my first date.
I hate the sand for not covering me
Oh I hate the ocean for not drowning me that evening.
It happens often. The shutting down and the blacking out. Thanks to you, I know the reason is you.
Two years later I am in my bed,
reading my favorite book from the time you left me.
The one that talks about scars,
the one that kills pain with pain.
I look behind and still see you,
staring at me in my loose clothes you bought me for our anniversary
You said it was easy to get me out of them
your absence is killing me as much as your presence did.
Five years later I am with the love of my life. He is so much better than you.
I am not gagged,
no shut down
no black out.
I am asleep & not hurt
my sheets like my peace
but i still cannot kiss him
about that night under the Moon
How do I tell him why
on the nights he asks me to go out
when I refuse to see the Moon
to see the stars,
that I am ashamed of them
for not blinding it down
for not giving me a way to escape.
how do I tell him why
on the days he asks me to go out
to watch movies we liked
when i refuse to sit on those seats,
that I am ashamed of them
for not breaking then
at least you would be fined for the damage
to the seats
and when last night I felt like making love
to the love of my life
I let out screams that were unheard
from the last time you left me naked
now how do i tell him
that on times when i cry
naked and tangled in him,
it is because of you
who left me with your poison touch.
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